One of the most unusual memories I have about meeting with Thom’s clients after a death in the family makes me thinks of some things to do – and not do – when you’re planning where your “stuff” will go when you’re gone. It stared with a phone call from the daughter who I will call Sally, who scheduled a meeting for herself and her brother, Bill, to talk about Mom’s death. Mom died with assets that had to go through probate because they had no beneficiary. Further, Sally and Bill could not meet on their own without coming to blows.
When Sally and Bill arrived for the meeting, they sat across from each other, each staring at the floor. We reviewed the estate to determine what needed to be done. Neither had much to say, but it was obvious there was some tension about who got what. Mom had not been specific and each felt entitled to the diamond ring, the box of family pictures and the chess set. At the end of the meeting, Sally opened a bag and pulled out a small box and a coffee can. She handed Bill the coffee can and asked if he was ready to split the ashes!
What did I learn from this? Here are some pointers for helping your children after you are gone, particularly if they don’t have the most perfect relationship:
- Work with an elder law attorney to set up an Estate Plan. An elder law attorney will carefully determine what the plan should contain so that nothing goes through probate court where it may be challenged.
- Be specific about who gets those items that may cause friction between your children. Don’t forget the small things like pictures, china, knick knacks and antiques.
- Make sure you have a responsible, mature person in charge when you are gone. This might be one of your children, not always the oldest, or it might be a friend or relative. You want the person in charge to be able to make decisions without emotion or self-interest.
- You might want to write down your wishes for your final arrangements. From my viewpoint, the attorney’s office is not the place to split your remains.
